Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing
and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key"
because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. LoL!

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days
later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and
close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the
phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece
of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't
work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes
waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in
the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems
with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user
hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.
He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer
of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and accidentaly broke it!

Microsoft Guidance
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign
that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly
responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground,
the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me
a technically correct but completely useless answer."

       
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help
desk employee was fired. However, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have
is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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