Seeing Dogs
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot
and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink.
Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure
the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar.
Then one of the guys had an idea.
"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him:
"I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."
The guy looked at the bartender and asked: "Why not?"
The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."
"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog.
The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked
why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog.
After a while he said: "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"
The man looked a little puzzled and then said:
"What? They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Penguins go to the Zoo
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper
spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver:
"What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what
to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time!
Today I am taking them to the beach."
Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady!
You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot
once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that
she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized
profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said. "Yes?" "You know."
Hooligan Hijinx
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells:
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday
for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks
his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself.
Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day,
the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
Good Can of Corn
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed,
that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be
members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks,
the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question.
"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!"
So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks
the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn
and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
The Scottie Dog who Knew Karate
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three
neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little
Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog: "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog:
"Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting
a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said:
"Karate my ass!"
I like your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot
one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on
a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop
of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Dating a Prostitute
A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.''
The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay
her $25 and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now.
I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that
her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back
and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she
reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped
her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she
lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put
his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body
that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Sailors and Soldiers should be Friends
A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain
road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck.
They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a
heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said:
"Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered: "Why don't
we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."
The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a
gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink
as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle
back to the Navy man who said: "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"
Special Delivery
It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail
through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the
whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at
the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house,
he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When
he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,
and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said: 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'."
Computer Diagnosis
One day Mike complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had
nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could
be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and
printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Little Voice
A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a
blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed
it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''How weird.''
A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again,
checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped
mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing
nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders. As soon as he
heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her.
''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?''
The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice
in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here
to check, I don't have any.''
The Powerful Message
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become
a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain,
desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
You're So Stupid...
You're so stupid that when your mother told you to go buy a color television
you asked: "What color?"
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through
the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary,
who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy
seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!''
shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't
even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her
again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary
fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say
to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with
the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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